Indeed a picture is often worth a thousand words, and this photo of my son and his buddy, John, defines buddy in ways that words fail.
According to Merriam-Webster, a buddy is a companion, a partner, a friend. I look at the way that John’s arm encircles my son, how he leans into Quinn, and how his eyes say I’ve got you, buddy. I see how Quinn rests his head on John’s shoulder, how he gives himself fully to John’s embrace, and how his eyes return with I trust you, buddy. All of this seems so much more than mere companionship, partnership or friendship.
In the Sanctuary of a Buddy, there is so much more. In John Steinbeck’s novel, Of Mice and Men, he presents us with a picture of more through the relationship between George and his mentally-challenged and wholly dependent buddy, Lennie, single men who are traveling in northern California to find ranch work during the 1930s. As they camp one night and cook their beans over an open fire, Lennie asks George for ketchup to smother his beans. When George tells him that they have no ketchup, Lennie says: “I was only foolin’, George. I don’t want no ketchup. I wouldn’t eat no ketchup if it was right here beside me.” George returns with: “If it was here, you could have some.” Lennie’s final response in this scene epitomizes how much more a buddy truly is: “But I wouldn’t eat none, George. I’d leave it all for you. You could cover your beans with it and I wouldn’t touch none of it.”
In the Sanctuary of a true Buddy, you would “leave it all” for another: the ketchup, the last piece of cherry pie, your time and your love. A buddy’s mantra is It is not all about me. Moment by moment, day in and day out, a buddy hands you the ketchup bottle, serves you the last piece of pie, gives his time and her love away. Selflessly.
Buddies understand the glorious bond that defies companionship or partnership. George reveals that “Guys like us, that work on ranches, are the loneliest guys in the world. They got no family. They don’t belong no place.” He continues, “With us it ain’t like that. We got a future. We got somebody to talk to that gives a damn about us.”
This is the story that Lennie has heard and longs to hear again and again from George, the narrative bond that defines them as buddies. While there may be other lonely guys drinking their sorrows away, Lennie reminds George that “I got you to look after me, and you got me to look after you, and that’s why [we are not like the other guys].” The truth at the heart of the Sanctuary of a Buddy comes quite literally out of the mouth of a man-child here: I got you to look after me, and you got me to look after you. This sincere and constant looking after another is the best of buddidom.
In the children’s classic, Charlotte’s Web, E. B. White writes:
“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte. “That in itself is a tremendous thing.”
In a world in which we tend to complicate relationships, often missing the proverbial forest for the trees, Charlotte understands that the real value of being a buddy is, in itself, a tremendous thing. You may enter the Sanctuary of a Buddy empty-handed. No tangible gifts or entrance fees are required. You may wear your favorite, holey Rolling Stones or Willie Nelson t-shirt, your go-to sweat pants with little elastic left in the waistband, and refuse to comb your hair or brush your teeth. Seasoned buddies go without make-up and never check to see if they have matching socks. Come as you are takes on deliberate and pure meaning in this place, for you offer yourself in sacred friendship to another. That is enough. That in itself is a tremendous thing.
The Sanctuary of a Buddy is often a place of pleasant, soul-sustaining surprise. C. S Lewis writes that “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” I remember a sleepover that one of my young daughters had with a friend. When her friend opened a small suitcase, revealing a pull-up that had been carefully, lovingly packed just in case of an accident, my daughter burst into genuine buddy glee: You too? I thought I was the only one. In a world of grilled cheese lovers, I thought my family members and I were the only ones who professed to love grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Until I found a true buddy who confessed that she, too, had grown up eating and loving grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You too? Our buddy bond began with that simple exchange. It grew, through many such moments and realizations, over years.
The Sanctuary of Buddies often requires patience. Aristotle claimed that “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” True buddihood may grow slowly, green experiences deepening until, saturated with the pure flavors of friendship, they ripen fully. And ah, when they do! The sanctuaries they create are those in which buddies never feel compelled to fill silences in the presence of their best buddies. Over time, they dream their buddies’ dreams and sing their life songs. Over time, their buddies’ narratives become second-nature, well-worn, comfortable stories woven inextricably into their own narratives.
In the Sanctuary of a Buddy, no one loses. In the classic film, It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey plans to kill himself. Through divine intervention, two angels send an angel-in-training, Clarence, to save George’s life. Ultimately, Clarence is successful in receiving his official angel wings by showing George that he has lived a life of purpose. And he writes, “Dear George: Remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings. Love, Clarence.” By their very nature, buddies cannot fail, for they are never, never alone.
I have lived much of my life in the Sanctuary of Buddies. Blessedly. I plan to live the remainder of my life there. And if my residence there grants even one angel apprentice her official wings, so much the better.
