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In Blog Posts on
September 5, 2016

The Sanctuary of Double-Delight

Griff in suspenders

for Griffin

Yesterday was a first: Gracyn passed on coming over to my house. She passed–politely but decisively! She was packing her bag for a sleepover with her cousin and had her sites fixed firmly on this upcoming event.

But not to worry: in my sanctuary of double-delight, there’s Griffin, age three, who never passes. Because coming to my house is tantamount to visiting Disney Land. Because coming to my house involves creating a motor village that stretches the length and width of the dining room. Because coming to my house involves Tootsie Pops that you can throw away after two licks if you find you don’t really fancy that flavor today. Because coming to my house involves sacred one-on-one time that grandmas who have retired from teaching can freely give.

I have to admit that when Griff wanted to play doll house with the Fisher Price and Dora the Explorer families, I thought, Well, o.k., this is familiar territory. Gracyn and I have had a countless rounds of doll house narratives. I’m good to go. Only I was not. Not really, that is. When Griff picked up Dora’s magic mirror and proceeded to use it as a laser gun to pick off Dora’s grandma (why does the grandma have to go first???) and several of the girls, I knew I was going to have to get with the new story, or all of my people would be summarily wiped out.

I tried a climatic turn: Let’s say the naughty guy with the laser gun is really our friend. . . One more girl got zapped. I mean, he’s really not a bad guy–just a lonely guy. . . The father got zapped, then zapped again to make sure he was truly down. In a desperate attempt to turn the story, I tried again: Hey, do you want to come to our picnic? Zap, zap, zap. At this point, I’m out of people, and the only guy standing is the one with the magic mirror-turned laser.

Quickly I determined that the sanctuary of double-delight would require a new perspective, a definitely more male perspective. We turned to trains, trucks and cars, and the result: crashes, spectacular crashes with even more spectacular sound effects. Which Griffin has perfected after hours of play. The boy can make a motor sound, lips perpetually buzzing, for up to thirty minutes without taking a breath, I swear!

Read books, Nanny? Griffin opened the book cabinet and brought a handful of his favorites to the couch. Hallelujah, I know how to do this. And it’s a resting activity (vs. the aerobic doll house/motor vehicle activities)!  In the sanctuary of double-delight, you must be prepared for new perspectives and new play-taking risks. But, blessedly, you must also be prepared for the same all-encompassing joy to spread through you when your grandson presses himself against your side, his small hand resting on your forearm, guiding you as you turn the pages, his breathing slower now as his eyes take in each object on each page. Then he says, Oh no! He’s sad, Nanny. The dog wants to go with them. And you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in spite of his recent three-year male bravado, he shares his sister’s sensitivity and keen insights. Griffin sees with his eyes and with his heart.

Double-delight, via Griffin, comes with laughter of the Glorious (capital G) sort.

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Griff can go from contemplative to raucous, belly-shaking, contagious laughter in a split second. The boy can really laugh. In the sanctuary of double-delight, laughter of this magnitude is always welcome.

And just in case you need more than visual proof, check out this video of Griffin in the throes of laughter. Viewer discretion advised: Be prepared to split a gut–or at least crack a big smile.

https://www.facebook.com/100005494067014/videos/vb.100005494067014/390420977817701/?type=2

And genuine double-delight? When your granddaughter cannot help but join in, laughing at her brother and validating a moment of simple joy.

Just when you think you cannot take any more delight, Griff walks into our house, announces I’m here, Nanny! sits on the bottom step to take off his shoes, and marches right to the candy bowl to pluck a handful of Tootsie Rolls, and plops himself on the couch. I look outside to see his motorized John Deere tractor parked by the front porch.

Griff, does your mommy know you’re here? Chewing, chocolate oozing from the corners of his mouth, he bares his brown teeth and says, I really love you, Nanny. In the sanctuary of double-delight, verbal deflection of this kind is not only excusable, it is encouraged.

Because I plan to be a life-time member of this sanctuary, I can see that I’m going to have to do all that’s in my power to literally keep up with Griffin. I have a plan, though: the next time we play doll house, I’m calling dibs on the magic mirror/laser gun.

Watch out, Griff–you have met your match!

 

In Blog Posts on
September 3, 2016

The Sanctuary of Make-Believe

curling-silhouette two people

For fellow make-believers extraordinaire: Susan and Beth

First of all, let me set the record straight: the sanctuary of make-believe is not an exclusive one. Children of all ages, sizes and shapes may enter. This is great news for a 61 year-old child who has a life-time membership to this sanctuary. Great news, indeed.

From my earliest memories, I was a make-believer. Give me a Barbie, a stuffed animal–heck, give me a stick or rock–and I will find its story. My sisters and I propped up an old wooden crate by the fence at the side of our yard, attached a piece of rope for reins, and christened it Jumbo, the elephant. We had just seen The Greatest Show on Earth,  and my dad had graciously gifted us with an old pigeon crate. For days, we our rode that thing until we moved on to a new story. Imagine the looks of college students passing by on their way to class as three girls frantically whipped the side of the crate with sticks, yelling, Go Jumbo, Go!

In high school, I carried the sanctuary of make-believe with me, initiating willing friends (you know who you are). We dared each other to take our world into the real world. Having located several yards with an abundance of lawn ornaments, we sent willing make-believers–one at a time, mind you–into these yards to talk to and to pet plaster deer, burros, and dogs. Waiting in the get-away car, we howled as motorists and neighbors looked on, some in confusion and others in delight. The night we found a yard with Snow White and all of the Seven Dwarfs? The gates to the sanctuary of make-believe opened with fireworks and trumpet fanfare!

The sanctuary of make-believe can be a solitary venture, but I’m hear to confess that it is best when shared. My make-believe venture into the world of Olympic curling has been shared, and re-shared with students, family, friends, and colleagues. In short, this story has legs! Just when it appears to be waning, a fellow make-believer will shock it into life again, propelling it to the foreground.

Just this morning when I was sweeping my kitchen (wait for the irony of this action), I heard my phone ping and saw that I had been tagged in a Facebook post. I dumped my dustpan in the garbage and went to check this out. When I read the post, I realized that I had hit paydirt: my curling story, once only a solitary figment of my imagination, had gone viral! Well, maybe not viral–exaggeration is actually permissible and encouraged in the sanctuary of make-believe–but it made the internet. For proof of this, check out the following link (if you, too, are willing to enter this make-believe sanctuary):

http://ecjanzen7.wixsite.com/mysite/single-post/2016/09/02/From-Teaching-to-The-Olympics

The fellow make-believers who shocked this story into life again had also sent me a letter last spring, weeks before I retired, delivered by the high school principal himself. In this letter, with an official-looking American Curling Federation logo, I learned that I finally had been accepted to the Olympic Curling Team and would be preparing for the 2018 Seoul Olympics. As I read the letter aloud to my students, most looked on with mild amusement. If I had had time to train them better, I could have worked them into genuine amusement, maybe even outright laughter. But alas, I retired.

Because my friends had breathed new life into the curling story, I rushed to Walmart to buy a t-shirt, stencils and puff paint. That evening, I recreated the logo from my curling letter, and made myself an official-looking training shirt. The next day, I wore it to school. When I made my way to the classrooms of my fellow make-believers, I was stopped by others who asked about my shirt. Oh this? I said. This is proof that I am officially training for the Seoul Olympics as a U.S. Curler. It’s legit. They’re calling me up.

And when I finally approached my fellow make-believers? They gasped, they oohed and aahed, they offered congratulations for a life-long dream now realized. They offered support, insisted that I would have a large home fan-base, and pledged to pass on the great news. They played along. And in the sanctuary of make-believe, it just does not get much better than this.

So here’s to the sanctuary of make-believe! May it live long, and its players live well! For those who are willing to enter, it offers treasures of inestimable worth and cheap, but wholesome, entertainment.

Looking ahead, I’m hoping for a significant fan-base as I prepare for my Olympic debut. If you can help me out, my curling trainers and I would really appreciate it.

Oh, and I’m looking for some gently-used teflon-soled curling shoes. If any of you happen to have a pair that you’re no longer using, message me: I will pay top dollar.

In Blog Posts on
September 2, 2016

The Sanctuary of Delight

Gracyn with feather

For Gracyn

Disclaimer: It goes without saying that ALL grandmas will argue–vehemently–that their grandchildren are the most brilliant, attractive, talented human beings on the planet. Today, however, with the limited power of my pen, I pay special tribute to my delightful granddaughter, Gracyn. 

In the sanctuary of delight, Gracyn is Delightful (with a capital D). If delight were being debuted as one of Crayola’s new crayons, it would be named Gracyn’s Eyes. For beneath these cornflower blue eyes–rimmed with blond eyelashes so long and lush that they curl back against the eyelids above them–lies a mystical cauldron that perpetually churns, stews and brews. Until, having reached the boiling point, a single bubble breaks the surface. Fragile at first, its translucent surface wobbly at take-off, it gains speed and purpose in flight. And then it bursts into words and images and perceptions that are, quite simply, delightful.

Recently Gracyn brought their dog Gus over to visit our dog. As we were walking back she said, “You know, they have different barks, but their breath voices are the same.” “Breath voices?” I asked. Then she panted to demonstrate. “Oh, breath voices,” I said. In the sanctuary of delight, panting just does not cut it. But breath voices? Oh yeah, baby.

A few years ago when we were playing wedding with our mermaid dolls (Gracyn was the bride, of course, and I was the bridesmaid–always the bridesmaid, never the bride), Gracyn announced, “Get ready for the wedding. Bridesmaid, wash your hands. I mean, really, they smell like chocolate feet.” Chocolate feet? Again, Gracyn’s use of language delights even the most literal among us.

A year ago my husband, Paul, and Gracyn had drawn pictures, and he had just finished telling the story that went along with his drawing. To which Gracyn commented,  That’s pretty good, Papa, but you need to elaborate more.  In the sanctuary of delight, elaboration is always a good idea. Through elaboration, the delightful understand that new details, new images, new insights emerge, often and best, through invented language and fresh perspectives.

A couple of Christmases ago, Gracyn was helping me wrap presents, writing names on the gift tags and taping as we wrapped. I forgot and wrote Quinn’s name on a gift tag. When she saw this, she gasped, “Grandma, look at your N! You just need to take your time and draw this line all the way up.” I nodded in silence, which prompted her to add, “but all your other letters are goodly.” Goodly? I would bet that even Charles Dickens himself would be delighted enough to make Gracyn a character in his next tale.

One evening as Gracyn was about to get on her swingset, she looked down into the grass and gasped, “What’s that!” Upon looking closely (really, really closely), I discovered a small beetle making its way across the yard. I told her that it was only a bug (a very, very, very small bug), and looking relieved, she said, “Oh, just a bug. I thought it might be a shrinkened chicken.” A shrinkened chicken? Those who live in the sanctuary of delight will never see just a bug when they can see something straight out of a roadside freakshow. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see the world’s smallest shrinkened chicken, right here in rural Iowa!

Once when her parents, Gracyn and her brother, Griffin, stopped by after grocery shopping, Gracyn asked if she could stay for awhile by herself. When I said yes, she grabbed a book off the shelf, stood in front of her parents and brother and pronounced, “The Big Book of Leaving says that you must leave. Now. The Big Book of Leaving says so, so get going.” Delight often requires the language of resourcefulness. So if you need a Big Book of Leaving, a Big Book of Staying, A Big Book of Living or Loving, or whatever, delight is your go-to sanctuary.

When she was four years old, Gracyn and I were playing dollhouse with the Fisher Price people, Dora and friends, and some Dollar Store”girls”. Of course, I had to be the father (and grandfather–I always get the boy roles!) When one of the girls got blown to the top of Dora’s Magic Castle by a tornado, I got the father ready to rescue her. But not so fast, for Gracyn said, “Pretend like the father is afraid of heights and he can’t go up there.” Plan B: “O.K. should he call the police?” Gracyn: “Pretend like he can’t find a phone.” Plan C: Just wait for Gracyn to script my next move. Delightful is being one narrative step ahead of your grandma, surprising her with unexpected climatic turns, prolonging the climax, and always, always, suspending the denouement (which signals the end of the story and, inevitably, time to go home).

During our conversation while driving to church one day, I asked Gracyn if she had seen some beautiful prom dresses the day before when she attended the Davis County promenade with her mom. Gracyn responded that she liked the jeweled dress the best. But then she said, “Wait, grandma, did you say “promenADE?” It’s “promeNOD” Grandma. You don’t say promenADE. You know that, don’t you?” For those who live in the sanctuary of delight, failing to recognize a French word for all its lyrical beauty is a real faux pas (pronounced with proper French vowels, thank you very much!)

When I bought a new box shredder to shred my zucchini for bread and removed it from the sack, Gracyn exclaimed, “Wow, Grandma! You actually got a cowbell!” Seeing something cool (like a cowbell) in the guise of something truly uncool (like a box shredder) is an attribute of the most delightful. And believing that your grandma was going to play the cowbell–preferably in some cool band with real musicians–now that is DELIGHTFUL!

Weeks before her brother, Griffin, was born, Gracyn said to her mother, “Well, I certainly hope when your baby pops out that he doesn’t hit the ceiling!” But later in a car conversation with me, she said,   “Grandma, we will write on a cloud, ‘Griffin is born!‘ Then it will go up to heaven, Jesus will see it, and He’ll know that my baby is born.” From the ridiculous to the sublime–this all matters, and matters deeply–in the sanctuary of delight.

The best thing, bar none, about the sanctuary of delight is the unspoken invitation to enter. So when my granddaughter asked me to jump off of her potty chair, juggling a handful of toys, yelling, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the Amazing Nanny!” I did it, several times actually, to get it just right.

In the sanctuary of delight, it is always best to have a friend (or several). So when Gracyn announced to her Sunday School class that she and I were “BFF”, I didn’t think it could get much better than this. Only it has. Everyday, Gracyn’s bubbles break the surface of all that is ordinary and routine with ever more delight.

Final disclaimer: And just in case you are not yet a believer, check out my daughter’s vimeo tribute to her delightful daughter and my BFF, Gracyn. 

 

 

 

 

In Blog Posts on
August 31, 2016

The Sanctuary of Silence

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Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence                                                                                                     Paul Simon, The Sounds of Silence (1964)

Since adolescence, I have been a fan of Simon and Garfunkel. Sitting in my basement, the family record player my only companion, I sang with teenage gusto, belting out Cecilia, I am a Rock, Scarborough Fair, Bridge Over Troubled Water, and–of course–The Sound of Silence.

At 13, what did I know about darkness or the sound of silence? Nada. My life was filled with the near constant chatter of other teenage girls–and occasionally, blessedly, teenage boys–the family dinner table talk, the top 40 from the local radio station, and tunes from the few albums my sisters and I bought with our collective allowances. I knew nothing of the darkness of silence in Paul Simon’s lyrics; yet as I sang, his words committed to memory, I came to believe that I did.

At 61, I can honestly say that I can sing Simon’s words with more genuine understanding. Like most, I can say hello darkness, my old friend and mean it. Like most, I can speak personally of the moments, the days, the months that I have lived within and through the sound of silence. 

About a quarter mile down the old highway this morning, I realized that the summer songs of the cardinals, the buntings, the finches and orioles were missing. In their place, crickets–and a far-off raw cry from a crow. Against this background of white noise, I found myself turning inward when–in weeks past–I looked outward and upward, searching the ditches, the cottonwoods, and the sky for songbirds. With no flashes of color or sweet melodies to pull me outward, I turned in. Soon, I realized that I had walked a mile, lost in thought and crickets, and had not seen a thing.

In the sanctuary of silence, there is often that inward pull, that dive into the subterranean nether world of self. Robert Frost writes of this in his poem, “Desert Places”:

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars – on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.  

The first real time that I experienced my own desert places was during the summer of my freshman year of college when I was cleaning motel rooms for summer employment. At first, I reveled in the silence of my days. (Remember, this was before walkmans, iPods, smart phones–before Pandora, for heaven’s sake!) Armed with Lime Away and Comet, I scrubbed showers and sinks, losing myself in visions of future love and life. With each new room, I rewound the vision and began again, with new and better love and life. Who pays people for reveries like this? I marveled.

Until the day I stooped to pick up a mound of damp towels and was surprised by silence. Momentarily dizzy and disoriented, I felt myself slipping into a kind of cognitive quicksand that engulfed me, stretching endlessly into shadow. As I threw back the shower curtain to clean, I shook my head, hoping that this simple physical act would return me to solid ground.

And then I understood: for weeks I had been cocooned in daydreams, each more sparkling than the last, each packed with brilliant possibilities, but no longer. That day, I entered my own desert places. The daydreams gone, day-terrors rushed in. Armed with guilt and worry, I began to scour the dark corners of my soul.  I could not stop thinking, worrying, sinking.   Hello darkness, my old friend. 

Years later when I had accepted a new college teaching position, I moved during the summer, believing that I would be able to organize my new office and make some faculty connections before the fall semester. I quickly realized, however, that this was not going to happen until much later in the summer. So, I was stuck in my apartment, in a new town, with literally no one I knew except for those who had interviewed me. For three weeks, I did not speak to a soul face-to-face. Given my limited budget (and before cell phones), I made one phone call a week to my parents, and then I lived in silence.

Until the day when, girded with resolve and sickened by my own thoughts, I set out on a walk, determined to speak with someone, anyone who appeared at least half-way approachable. In these days, this was completely out of character for me and took me far beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone. Still, I found a college student walking along the same path and spoke to him. Three weeks of silence ended with that simple hello. We walked and talked, ultimately becoming friends.

In my youth, I was naive to think that silence would always present pleasant places for visions and revisions. It was inevitable that, one day, I would find my own desert places in silence. Through age and maturity, I have come to regard silence as much more of a sanctuary than a desert place. With soulful conditioning, I have trained myself to steer clear of the quicksands of all-consuming guilt and worry. Most days, that is. I would be lying if I claimed total absolution from darkness.

Still, as I walked this morning, I found words flooding the void that songbirds had recently filled. I wrote as I walked, I shaped–and reshaped–new ideas. I recalled the words my granddaughter had spoken to me last night. I mentally sang the lyrics of a new song I have come to love. Hello silence, my new friend. 

It goes without saying that the sanctuary of silence takes conditioning. You have to build up to it, giving yourself permission to retreat to the safety of sound when you find yourself without a lifeline. There are no purple hearts in the sanctuary of silence, but I think there should be.

When I see someone sitting in a waiting room or airport terminal sans ear buds or smart phone, someone just sitting and looking on at the life around them, I want to approach them with a medal of commendation and welcome them, brothers and sisters alike, into the sanctuary of silence.

In Blog Posts on
August 30, 2016

The Sanctuary of Perseverance

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Girl in Bambur

Even at 10 years of age,                                                                                                           she wears her perseverance                                                                                                   like a woman:                                                                                                                           jaw set,                                                                                                                                           bare-shouldered,                                                                                                                       arms akimbo.    

If she were older,                                                                                                                         an ebony man–                                                                                                                   caught in the fine fire of her eyes–                                                                                         might love her.    

But she would neither see nor hear him.                                                                         Fixed in the foothills of Bambur,                                                                                                 her heart has already moved beyond                                                                                  the Benue River to cities                                                                                                   below.       

There, young women with smooth hands                                                                   carry books and ride on the backs of motorbikes.   

There, streets fill with roasting chickens                                                                                 and conversation.              

 And there, sheathed in that                                                                                                 rare purple cloth of opportunity,                                                                                           she might begin again,                                                                                                         wearing her perseverance                                                                                                           into new life.

Shannon Vesely

In the sanctuary of perseverance, card-carrying members begin again. And again and again. They prefer the word grit. Sharper and more guttural, it packs a true punch to the gut. Determination, in contrast, often rolls too easily off the tongue, dissolving into the air of good intention.

Since the beginning of time, people have persevered, buckling on the breastplate of grit and taking on the world, one act, one choice at a time. History is peopled with perseverants of all sizes, shapes, nationalities, and faiths. More recently, however, psychologist Angela Duckworth has made grit the centerpiece of her research and subsequent books. In profiling her work, New York Times contributing opinion writer Judith Shulevith writes:

Grit. The word has mouth feel. It sounds like something John Wayne would chaw on. Who wouldn’t want grit? Wusses. Forget ’em.

Who wouldn’t want grit? Only the wusses and the too-delicate among us? Perhaps. From her research, Duckworth argues that grit more reliably predicts success than either talent or I.Q. and that any individual–regardless of his or her current perseverance quotient–can learn to live and act with grit. Duckworth’s claims fly in the face of other prevailing arguments like you are either born with talent or you are not and success is largely a matter of luck. 

I recall an anecdote from one of Duckworth’s books I read a few years ago in which she described how high school seniors identified as at-risk were taught practical ways to be gritty as they began their college careers. Their high school teachers counseled them to sit in the front row on the first day–and every day–of class, to introduce themselves to the professor before they left the first day, to actively take notes, and to ask one relevant question, daily, throughout the remainder of the semester. Duckworth writes that, as she and her research assistants tracked these students, they discovered that they had been overwhelmingly successful: in course completion, in passing grades (and in many cases, better-than-passing grades), and in overall collegiate success.

Having read much of Duckworth’s research, I found it to be compelling enough to bring to my high school staff through professional development. As you can imagine, when I presented her research in front of a group of 90 teachers, it was much like preaching to the choir. In genuine John Wayne fashion, teachers insisted that students today are soft; they just don’t have any grit and our students don’t look at failure as an opportunity to improve but rather an easy excuse to quit. Truthfully, from my vantage point as a 40 year educator, I could only nod knowingly. It was far too easy for me to lapse into sentimentality, ruing the loss of grittier times and students.

In his 2008 book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell describes what he has termed the 10,000- Hours Rule:

The 10,000-Hours Rule says that if you look at any kind of cognitively complex field, from playing chess to being a neurosurgeon, we see this incredibly consistent pattern that you cannot be good at that unless you practice for 10,000 hours, which is roughly ten years, if you think about four hours a day. 

In the sanctuary of perseverance, the hardy wholeheartedly embrace the 10,000-Hours Rule. You stick to it, you buckle down, you fail and then you learn from your failures. Arms akimbo, you square your shoulders to the world and growl: Bring it on. Make my day. 

And all this conjures up images of tough guys and gals, hardier and grittier than us common folk who, on even our best days, find it truly tough to persevere in the face of disappointment, obstacles, and outright failure. Our spirits may be willing, but, too often, our flesh is weak. We retreat to less challenging realms.

Still, I think it all too stereotypic to hold fast to such images of gritty machismo. Consider Mother Teresa, the Saint of the Gutters, frail and aging, persisting in the slums of Calcutta. And if this is not enough, consider the painful reality that her secret letters have revealed: she spent almost fifty years without sensing the presence of God in her life. Fifty years of persisting, of living as though she would, someday, sense God’s presence. Fifty years of serving the world as God’s hands, feet, and heart. Now that’s grit of a spiritual magnitude that I cannot begin to comprehend.

In a letter to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September, 1979, Mother Teresa wrote:

Jesus has a very special love for you. [But] as for me–The silence and the emptiness is so great–that I look and do not see,–Listen and do not hear.

Decades–not days–of silence and great emptiness. The persistent urge to listen in hopes of hearing. Mother Teresa could teach Angela Duckworth a thing or two about grit.

Today, perseverance seems to be an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual habit to which the world pays loads of lip-service, but to which it frequently falls tragically short. I’ve taken Duckworth’s grit survey, which gives you a type of personal grit quotient based on your responses. Like most, I am painfully aware of my own grittiness–and lack thereof.

But there is good news: in the sanctuary of perseverance, there are always do-overs if you can muster the grit to begin again. Throughout my life, I have witnessed the power of perseverance in the most likely and unlikely places, through the most likely and unlikely people. These people and places have inspired me to imagine myself as a Dust Bowl mother, cloaking my children in love to keep out the dirt and want; as a young Jewish woman in Auschwitz, sleeping on a hard wooden bunk with five others, pulling myself into and out of dreams of one-day love and life in the Polish countryside beside my husband, my soul-mate; as a young Civil Rights’ activist in Natchez, Mississippi, pushing the cause forward by day, hiding in seclusion at night, and holding fast to the belief of a new day and age; as Nigerian girl living her days with her baby brother tied to her back, envying other girls who spend their days with books and prospects of life beyond the village; and as a young writer, holed up in a forgotten corner of a college library, struggling to eke out those words that might take her to places she had never imagined.

In Daniel James Browns’ best-selling book, The Boys in the Boat, he chronicles nine American rowers’ quest for Olympic gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Writing largely through the perspective of one rower, Joe Rantz, Brown helps us understand his lowly beginnings. Having lost his mother to throat cancer in 1918 and his father to grief and to the wilds of Canada, Joe, age 5, was sent from Washington to Pennsylvania to live with a relative, and then retrieved when his father returned home and remarried. Although for a time, Joe’s life with his new mother and father was pleasant enough for a child who had suffered such trauma, it did not remain so for long. His stepmother could not bear Joe, and with her husband’s consent, banished him.

At age ten, Joe was left to fend for himself, to live in the schoolhouse, to work at the mining camp for food, to persist with any and everything that would sustain his life. Brown writes that Joe’s  world had grown dark, narrow, and lonely. When his teacher taught a science lesson in which she revealed that the cauliflower mushroom, Sparassis radicata, was not only edible, but delicious when stewed slowly, Joe realized that if you simply kept your eyes open, it seemed, you just might find something valuable in the most unlikely of places The trick was to recognize a good thing when you saw it no matter how odd or worthless it might at first appear, no matter who else might just walk away and leave it behind. 

As I read The Boys in the Boat, I could not help but marvel at Joe Rantz’s persistence in the face of Depression-era poverty, loneliness, and abandonment. How could one so young and so alone take up the mantle of such grit? And yet, he did. Determined to live another day, he scavenged for food, for work, and for self-worth. When, years later, he took up collegiate rowing, this same grit ultimately shaped him into a world class athlete and a genuinely fine human being. Brown’s passages which describe the rowing practices through wind and sleet on Washington lakes are, undeniably, some of the most beautiful and painful prose passages I have ever read.

I suppose in the politically correct world of safe spaces and protections of all sorts, promoting the sanctuary of perseverance is dicey. Someone might be offended by the mere claim that one could improve his or her lot through hours of practice, prayer, and effort. Hours, you say, during which there is no one to applaud you, to comfort you, to sustain you? Hours, you say, during which there are no trophies or awards given to those who participate? Hours, you say, during which there may be blood, sweat, and–gasp–tears? 

No, I’m guessing the PC world will pass on perseverance. But, in the spirit of Joe Rantz, Mother Teresa, and countless other gritty individuals, I am going to press on in the hopes that I will significantly raise my grit quotient and face my world, arms akimbo.

 

In Blog Posts on
August 29, 2016

The Sanctuary of Change

 

victory

for Quinn

There is something in us that both fears and laments change. We prefer familiar flannel, pulling worn bedclothes snuggly around us and settling into broken-inness. The familiar beckons us with come in, stay for awhile. But such comfort may also become a siren’s song, drawing us into stay forever.

C. S. Lewis writes:

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. 

We must be hatched or go bad. These words ring particularly true for me these days. I am watching my son hatch, for he has refused to go bad. Quinn inherited genes from his birth parents that have blessed him with incredible athleticism. Although most football parents live in constant fear of the next hit, they also live for those glorious moments of the blitz gone well, the perfect block, and the break-away run. Quinn has given us many of those moments in the past ten years.

Quite simply, Quinn was meant to be a football player. Every fiber in his being yearns for the gridiron. When he was recruited to play Division II football, he was eager for the opportunity to better himself on the college stage. Only that opportunity never materialized, for coaches in three different college programs refused to see him. You cannot prove yourself if you will not be seen.

In each program, Quinn was told that he was an incredible athlete, a hard worker, a coachable player, and a responsible student athlete. We had agonizing conversations during which Quinn would say, I don’t know what else to do or to try, and I would bite my tongue to keep the platitudes I’d used before from spilling out. After year-round conditioning and practicing, I knew that my son could no longer stomach You can only do your best. He had been doing his best, giving his all for years, and this had produced a mere one minute and 37 seconds of varsity football play. It had relegated him to limited junior varsity play (because in spite of your age, talent, and experience, you are new to our program, because you need to pay your dues, because, because, because. . .) and hours of sideline anticipation that melted in nothing but spectatorship.

Quinn’s collegiate football career was a bust. If you measured it by time spent on the varsity field, that is. I used to lie awake at night wondering how someone so deserving–athletically and personally–could go unseen over and over again. Many nights, I worked myself into an angry lather, drafting and delivering righteous speeches of condemnation to coaching staffs in three universities.

Football, for Quinn, was familiar. Among his fellow teammates, in weight rooms, and on football fields, he could be an ordinary, decent egg. After five years of futility, however, Quinn decided to hatch, for he understood–all too well–that to remain an egg was to go bad. With three weeks to go in his fifth year of college football, he finally quit.

And then his hatching began in earnest. He set his sites on shaping the familiar football self into a teacher and coach, into an adult whose painful past experiences would whet his resolve for change.

To say that I admire Quinn is most certainly an understatement. I have seen, firsthand, what the past five years have cost him–physically and emotionally. And yet, his story is our story. Most of us have clung to the familiar until we simply could not. Then it was hatch or go bad. Change or stagnate into sweet and suffocating decay.

Viktor E. Frankl writes that when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. As one who survived three years in Auschwitz and several other concentration camps, Frankl was painfully aware that he could not change his situation. He believed, however, that people are primarily driven by striving to find meaning in one’s life.  This meaning, he argued, was the reason that many were able to overcome their circumstances, even those as horrific as those in ghettos and concentration camps.

The challenge to change ourselves is a call for risk-taking and egg-hatching. It is, ultimately, a call for the growth born from striving to find meaning in one’s life.

When I see my son standing alongside the other coaches on the sidelines at the high school football game, I see the tangible, positive proof of change. And just as his father and I lived through those glorious moments of tackles and touchdowns, we will live though even more glorious moments of watching him pass on his knowledge and indomitable spirit to others.

 

In Blog Posts on
August 28, 2016

The Sanctuary of Joy

 

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What Cannot Be Named

There is a name                                                                                                 for the color of fish that swim                                                                         on the baked enamel pots                                                                                 of the women in the village of Bambur:                                                         persimmon.

There is a name                                                                                                   for the sweet weight of water                                                                       that moves assuredly from the well                                                                 up the path, to home:                                                                                   life.

And there are names                                                                                           for young girls who carry                                                                         infant brothers and sisters on their backs,                                                       while mothers with small wooden hoes                                                     work  the fields of African maize:                                                                     Mercy, Comfort, and Rejoice.

But I cannot find a name                                                                               for what is truly here:                                                                                   one smile,                                                                                                           two bright eyes against dust and grass,                                                       and a single hand to her face–                                                                     an exclamation of?

You might name it joy,                                                                                       but it would not be enough.

Shannon Vesely

Happiness is the paler, conditional cousin to joy. Although the world professes to love happiness, to argue that “you deserve it”, and to peddle it shamelessly in every market place, its idiot claims are full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. 

Several years ago while on a mission trip to Nigeria, I witnessed many women with baked enamel pots on their heads, carrying water from the local well (if they were lucky) or the water hole, miles away (if they were less lucky). Some sang, some spoke as they passed us, and all smiled. As I look back on this photo, I realize that it would be impossible to name the expression that this woman wore. It might be joy, but even this seems wholly insufficient.

Clearly, the circumstances of these Nigerian women–like those of their men and children–are those you might expect in a third world country: poverty, pain, and suffering. Unemployment is rampant, particularly among the young. The Nigerian woman who cooked for us was the only working person in her family of seven, including her husband and five adult children. Young boys with small plastic pails stood on pavement which had broken or washed out into deep crevices. Their job? To warn motorists of the danger ahead. Their wage? Whatever naira a generous motorist might offer. And mothers took to the fields, leaving their babies to the care of their older babies. For an American, these circumstances left much to be desired. Certainly, there appeared to be little that would elicit joy here.

But joy abounded in each place we visited. Joy in the conversation with family and friends, joy in the moments of laughter and rest, joy in the promise of a meal and of shelter. In spite of their circumstances, most Nigerians found genuine joy, the kind that passes all understanding.

I often shared family stories with my students, and one day, as I was recalling a particular incident with my son, a student exclaimed, “Mrs. Vesely, you have the most exciting life ever!” To which I responded, “Well actually, Tom, I don’t. I just choose to live as though I do!”

Perhaps the most valuable thing I inherited from my parents was the will to choose joy in all circumstances. Sometime in my late twenties, I awakened to the fact that I had grown up in the lower middle class. I was stunned with this realization, for I could only recall the joy my family had chosen in our ordinary days: Sunday drives in the country, looking for abandoned farmhouses that might–just might–still have some glass or vintage doorknobs; afternoons in Harmon Park’s rock garden, creating an entire world among the trees and waterfalls; neighborhood games of kick the can and hide and seek that ran long into the evening until someone’s mom called her players in; Friday night suppers of hamburgers in front of the television; and snow forts and snow creatures that stopped passerbys with unexpected color (my mom let us use food coloring to tint the snow!) As a child, I only saw and felt the richness of our existence.

In spite of our economic circumstances, we found joy in the world around us. Now I realize that this was an act of will, of conscious daily choice. At the time, however, it seemed entirely natural and good. The painful reality that others had not, and would not, experience this joy never occurred to me. I was immersed in an ordinary life of extraordinary joy.

I do recall one morning when I was working for the public park and recreation department. It had rained the night before, and the preschoolers I was working with were not allowed to take out the balls and other equipment they usually played with because it was so muddy. The only piece of park equipment that wasn’t surrounded by a moat of mud was the merry-go-round, which–blessedly–had been mounted on a slab of cement. Cheerfully, I said, “Why don’t you pretend like the merry-go-round is your space ship?” And then I stood back, waiting for the joy of play to begin. Only, it didn’t. Twelve preschoolers looked at me with incredulity. They just stood there until I offered, “I’ll play with you. Jump on because we’re about to take off!”

On this day, I jump-started joy. It didn’t take long until we were deep in the throes of an outerspace story of epic proportions. The muddy circumstances faded into the background, and the joy of our newfound adventure overwhelmed the foreground. In the end, we all chose joy, and a morning that appeared doomed shone brightly.

Today as I think of the Syrian people, I admit that I wouldn’t blame them for succumbing to the despair that their circumstances have delivered. Still, I’m guessing that there are those in the refugee camps who, like the Nigerians I met, are choosing the joy of relationships and small moments. Some may argue that this is not enough and that these people deserve better and more. And they would be right. Yet in this world, there will be trouble. This trouble, tragically, often seems more than we can bear. To choose joy in the midst of these trials is, perhaps, one of the most courageous and faithful acts I can imagine.

One of my persistent prayers is that I may also pass on the will to choose joy to my children and grandchildren. In truth, I can think of no greater gift.

Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.                         Psalm 51:8

 

In Blog Posts on
August 25, 2016

The Sanctuary of Witnesses

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Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Where two or more are gathered, you are in the sanctuary of witnesses. For the past three months, my family and I have been blessed to have lived in this sanctuary with a host of witnesses who have laughed and cried with us, encouraged us, prayed with us, and returned again and again.

Last weekend at my father’s memorial service, I looked out upon this cloud of witnesses: family, colleagues, fellow poets, pigeon racers, friends and students. As we shared words and song, this collective tribute of honor and love was more than we could have imagined. But such is the power in a cloud of witnesses: together we are stronger, together we are better.

There is a solitary nature to dying and grieving. Even when others are physically present–perhaps sitting by your side–you are pulled inward. And once there, you often find yourself in the cellar of all that you have known. Mason jars of past life line the walls, stretching upward in infinite gray rows. Too many to count, too many to open. As your eyes and heart move up, row to row, gray unfolding to more gray, infinity suffocates you.

Until it does not. Because a voice or hand pulls you back, and you are breathing, once more, in the sanctuary of witnesses. When the hospice workers came to provide bathing, nursing, and ministering care for my father, it became immediately obvious that they came for us as much as for him. I would call these individuals angels of mercy, but this phrase does not begin to do them justice. Often, they were only with us for 15-20 minutes. These minutes, however, sustained us throughout long days. For in these minutes, we felt the genuine presence of witnesses to our love and grief. These were minutes of grace that went far beyond the physical acts each hospice representative performed.

There were other voices and hands that pulled us from the cellars of our souls. Daily visitors–friends, students, neighbors, and colleagues–sat by my father, bedside, but spent precious minutes with each of us in our family kitchen or on our front porch. Here, away from my dad, they heard our prayers and fears, embraced us in hugs, silently wept with us, and simply held our hands. In the sanctuary of witnesses, it takes all kinds–and my family and I were blessed to have all kinds of individuals and responses. Each was unique and just right for the day and the moment.

And there were witnesses that testified to their love and prayers for my father and for us through the written word. Cards and letters arrived daily, each a sliver of light in the gray cellars of our grief. Even the mail carrier became a witness as she brought healing words in the late afternoon when the day moved much too slowly, refusing to surrender to night and a few hours of sleep, that sweet relief from thinking, remembering, and imagining a life without the one we love.

The truth is that, in the sanctuary of witnesses, you can find hope. When a memory or feeling takes you by the hand and leads you deeper into the cellar, you go–sometimes reluctantly and other times willingly. In the dark, you remember and grieve. And then a witness arrives, and you take his or her hand and climb those same stairs to join the living again. Once again bright-eyed, giving yourself to joy, a momentary stay against grief.

Let it be said that I, for one, am a big fan of the sanctuary of witnesses. I plan to be a lifetime member and run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

In Blog Posts on
August 16, 2016

The Sanctuary of a Classroom

 

Classroom_3rd_floor

For all those who find sanctuary in their classrooms

For the first time in almost 40 years, I will not return to a classroom this fall. This reality is, indeed, bittersweet. Many of the best moments of my life have been spent in classrooms across Nebraska, Wisconsin, and Iowa. Within their walls, I have found sanctuary.

I suppose I should just confront the elephant in the room before I proceed. There have been moments, days, regrettably even weeks, in which I would have been hard-pressed to regard my classroom as a sanctuary. In these times, my best efforts have been met with stone walls of silence, at best, and outright rejection, at worst.  In spite of advice from veteran teachers and mentors, I have had a laser focus for those few students who refuse to engage, often overlooking those that do. I have left my classrooms carrying those blank and angry faces. For these times, I have questioned myself, doubted myself, even retreated to my office or home to button up my hair shirt and scourge myself into a penance with which I thought could live. In short, my classrooms have not always been the sanctuaries I hoped to build.

Still. There have been moments, days,  weeks during which my students and I crafted our thoughts and words into something grand and, often, wholly unexpected. In the sanctuary of the classroom, this is the holy grail. Cliched as it may be, the words from Field of Dreams resonate authentically in these times: If you build it, they will come. Having built a framework for learning, I never tired of seeing my students give themselves to it. When they came, I always believed it would be most fitting for marching bands to appear, playing their strongest, their best John Philip Sousa. In the sanctuary of the classroom, there should be celebration with drums and brass instruments.

Still. These moments, days, and weeks do not magically appear; they are born from the teacher’s careful reading, clear thinking, and keen sense of audience. The best teachers know that power comes with responsibility, and they approach their classrooms with a reverence for learning and for those who will learn. Teaching is not for the faint of heart. Oh that those in teacher preparation programs would understand that loving children or loving a discipline do not always make for the best–or even adequate–teachers! No, becoming the best teacher has much more to do with losing oneself to the greater cause of real education. It has much more to do with learning to say I don’t know, but I will find out and I thought this was a good idea, but I see that we are lost. And then it becomes a matter of digging in and forging on into new places and ideas. The best teachers know that if they are not willing to take on the mantle of Lewis and Clark, they will never lose themselves to the greater cause. They will remain fat and sassy on the eastern banks of the Mississippi, looking westward but content to live out their days in mediocrity.

As I write, there are those who have just returned or are preparing to return to their classrooms. The best of these can barely contain their joy at a new semester of possibilities. And though some students in these classrooms will outwardly resist, retreat, text, and/or sleep, others will bring their best heads and notebooks with clean sheets that will hold their best thinking. For these students and for these opportunities, teachers will rejoice.

In the sanctuary of the classroom, it is never too late to begin anew. For those good teachers and students who are beginning again, I offer my sincere thanks and respect. May your classrooms be the sanctuaries you have imagined and have yet to imagine.

In Blog Posts on
August 15, 2016

In the Sanctuary of a Great Line

 

Line from S. E. Hinton's The Outsiders

Line from S. E. Hinton’s The Outsiders

In our village, folks say God crumbles up the old moon into stars. [Alexander Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich]

At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. [Willa Cather, My Antonia]

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me. [W. H. Auden, “The More Loving One”]

She was lost in her longing to understand. [Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera]

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. [F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby]

I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but the pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night. [Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner]

He was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life. [James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man]

Maybe life doesn’t get any better than this, or any worse, and what we get is what we’re willing to find: small wonders where they grow. [Barbara Kingsolver, Small Wonder]

There are days we live as if death were nowhere in the background; from joy to joy to joy, from wing to wing, from blossom to blossom to impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom. [Li-Young Lee, From Blossoms]

Memes, tweets, hashtags–they are but pond scum, written waste, in the sanctuary of great literary lines. The exquisite beauty of a single, well-crafted line! The adrenaline shot that overtakes you when you finally reach the end mark of punctuation, breathless and sorely amazed! And the moment when you unconsciously, selflessly voice the words that give testimony–yet again–to the magnificence of the line: Oh, that I had written this! 

In a small blue notebook my father carried in his pocket while he alternately walked and wrote, I found these words:

My work consisted of my playing with the best writers. Ones who spoke beauties, truths, goodness, who persistently used their best hearts and heads. How those books taught me. How I was fortunate enough to subordinate myself to wise men. And would that I could do it again.

Great lines have the power to command subordination. Written from another’s best heart and head, they say: Read slowly. Read carefully. Here is beauty, truth and goodness. If you let them, these words will carry you from innocence and ignorance to wisdom. My father has it so right here. If we are fortunate and willing enough to subordinate ourselves to these great lines, we will want for little more.

In my life as a teacher and reader, I have read so many great lines. And like my father and others whose work has consisted of playing with the best writers, I discovered early that subordinating myself to these men and women would be my real education. It has been–and continues to be.

In the sanctuary of great lines, it is one thing to take pleasure in a particularly perfect line, but it is quite another to share it with one who intuitively finds the same perfection. When two or more subordinate to such a line, you are walking on holy ground.

For as James Joyce and Gabriel Garcia Marquez write, in the sanctuary of great lines, we may live and move unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life and lost in our longing to understand.  And what could be better than this?