Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

My first foray into the Sanctuary of Elegance came through my maternal grandmother, Shirley Margaret Zorn. My cousins and I were visiting and playing in her living room when Grammie entered and told us to take our feet off of the davenport. When she could have said couch, Grammie said davenport. With a single word, I was momentarily transported into a world less common and unspeakably fine.

Years later, I recall my grandmother describing a home in her community as elegant. Even as she spoke the word, I took note. This was an event, not a passing moment. Elegant. From the mouth of Shirley Margaret Zorn, each syllable emerged, equally rich and wholly unrushed. In the  ceremonial hush that followed, I became a willing initiate into the Sanctuary of Elegance.

Elegance is rarely–and not necessarily–opulence. It lives in the clean lines of Jacqueline Kennedy’s pillbox hats, and not in the spectators of British royal women, hats that sprout exotic feathers and that sport bedazzlements crafted in the workshops of Willie Wonka. Although most Americans preferred to call their First Lady Jackie–a name that warmly bridged the gap between American political royalty and the common folk–card-carrying members of the Sanctuary of Elegance deliberately deferred to Jacqueline–a name that sounded just as elegant as the woman herself.

Those who truly understand the nature of elegance, however, know that it must not be confused with simplicity. The messages in commercial greeting cards are simple. Their rhymes and verses are simply sentimental, leaving their saccharine residue on the soul. One would be hard-pressed to ever call these verses elegant, comforting and well-intended as they may be. But the rhymes and verses in the Sanctuary of Elegance? They defy simple description or definition. They suggest something profound: fine and lasting.

In my father’s poem, “Listening to a Pavane by Gabriel Faure,” he writes:

The flowers of a pavane turn                                                                     slowly in the wind.

In a world filled with killings                                                                     they offer you their petals.

The voices of the flowers                                                                               are ocher and umber,

the voices of the flowers                                                                                 are vermillion and rum.

Sometimes it is like this when                                                                     you listen to a pavane,

the petals of the flowers,                                                                             their sounds in the wind,

amaryllis, sweet william,                                                                         vermillion and rum.

Amaryllis, sweet william, vermillion and rum. Now these are rhymes for the likes of Shirley Margaret Zorn and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. And these are sentiments from the pure maple sugar, the deep tap root of the heart. These are words of elegance that will stand the test of time, returning as a soul-chorus like words of scripture stored away for just a time as this.

I will admit that I am a fan of kitsch. Those who know me well have seen my penchant for the tacky and utterly uncivilized. At any given moment, I can make a kitsch impulse-buy (my collection of early 1960s American Whimsie Dolls is more than enough evidence to support my claim here). Still, I am equally a big fan of elegance. Black and white photography from those who have an artistic eye for compositions that suggest–rather than announce–is powerfully elegant to me. Just a square of fine, dark chocolate or a single cup of perfectly-brewed Brazilian coffee is elegance extraordinaire. And the eyelashes of my sleeping granddaughter and grandson? The personification of elegance, to be sure.

Shirley Margaret Zorn ushered me into the Sanctuary of Elegance. Although my cousins and I will most remember the games we played in her ordinary basement and ordinary yard, the comfort food she lovingly fed us (caramel cinnamon rolls and magnificent pie), and a lap big enough to hold all of us, I remember and revere those moments during which I could see beyond our commonness into elegance.

If she were here today, I would ask her if she wanted to go furniture shopping with me, for I wished to buy a new davenport. She would understand that, in the Sanctuary of Elegance, you should never settle for a couch.

Indeed a picture is often worth a thousand words, and this photo of my son and his buddy, John, defines buddy in ways that words fail.

According to Merriam-Webster, a buddy is a companion, a partner, a friend.  I look at the way that John’s arm encircles my son, how he leans into Quinn, and how his eyes say I’ve got you, buddy. I see how Quinn rests his head on John’s shoulder, how he gives himself fully to John’s embrace, and how his eyes return with I trust you, buddy. All of this seems so much more than mere companionship, partnership or friendship.

In the Sanctuary of a Buddy, there is so much more. In John Steinbeck’s novel, Of Mice and Men, he presents us with a picture of more through the relationship between George and his mentally-challenged and wholly dependent buddy, Lennie, single men who are traveling in northern California to find ranch work during the 1930s.  As they camp one night and cook their beans over an open fire, Lennie asks George for ketchup to smother his beans. When George tells him that they have no ketchup, Lennie says: “I was only foolin’, George. I don’t want no ketchup. I wouldn’t eat no ketchup if it was right here beside me.” George returns with: “If it was here, you could have some.” Lennie’s final response in this scene epitomizes how much more a buddy truly is: “But I wouldn’t eat none, George. I’d leave it all for you. You could cover your beans with it and I wouldn’t touch none of it.”

In the Sanctuary of a true Buddy, you would “leave it all” for another: the ketchup, the last piece of cherry pie, your time and your love. A buddy’s mantra is It is not all about me. Moment by moment, day in and day out, a buddy hands you the ketchup bottle, serves you the last piece of pie, gives his time and her love away. Selflessly.

Buddies understand the glorious bond that defies companionship or partnership. George reveals that “Guys like us, that work on ranches, are the loneliest guys in the world. They got no family. They don’t belong no place.” He continues, “With us it ain’t like that. We got a future. We got somebody to talk to that gives a damn about us.”

This is the story that Lennie has heard and longs to hear again and again from George, the narrative bond that defines them as buddies. While there may be other lonely guys drinking their sorrows away, Lennie reminds George that “I got you to look after me, and you got me to look after you, and that’s why [we are not like the other guys].” The truth at the heart of the Sanctuary of a Buddy comes quite literally out of the mouth of a man-child here: I got you to look after me, and you got me to look after you. This sincere and constant looking after another is the best of buddidom.

In the children’s classic, Charlotte’s Web, E. B. White writes:

“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte. “That in itself is a tremendous thing.”

In a world in which we tend to complicate relationships, often missing the proverbial forest for the trees, Charlotte understands that the real value of being a buddy is, in itself, a tremendous thing. You may enter the Sanctuary of a Buddy empty-handed. No tangible gifts or entrance fees are required. You may wear your favorite, holey Rolling Stones or Willie Nelson t-shirt, your go-to sweat pants with little elastic left in the waistband, and refuse to comb your hair or brush your teeth. Seasoned buddies go without make-up and never check to see if they have matching socks. Come as you are takes on deliberate and pure meaning in this place, for you offer yourself in sacred friendship to another. That is enough. That in itself is a tremendous thing. 

The Sanctuary of a Buddy is often a place of pleasant, soul-sustaining surprise. C. S Lewis writes that “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” I remember a sleepover that one of my young daughters had with a friend. When her friend opened a small suitcase, revealing a pull-up that had been carefully, lovingly packed just in case of an accident, my daughter burst into genuine buddy glee: You too? I thought I was the only one. In a world of grilled cheese lovers, I  thought my family members and I were the only ones who professed to love grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Until I found a true buddy who confessed that she, too, had grown up eating and loving grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You too? Our buddy bond began with that simple exchange. It grew, through many such moments and realizations, over years.

The Sanctuary of Buddies often requires patience. Aristotle claimed that “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” True buddihood may grow slowly, green experiences deepening until, saturated with the pure flavors of friendship, they ripen fully. And ah, when they do! The sanctuaries they create are those in which buddies never feel compelled to fill silences in the presence of their best buddies. Over time, they dream their buddies’ dreams and sing their life songs. Over time, their buddies’ narratives become second-nature, well-worn, comfortable stories woven inextricably into their own narratives.

In the Sanctuary of a Buddy, no one loses. In the classic film, It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey plans to kill himself. Through divine intervention, two angels send an angel-in-training, Clarence, to save George’s life. Ultimately, Clarence is successful in receiving his official angel wings by showing George that he has lived a life of purpose. And he writes, “Dear George: Remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings. Love, Clarence.” By their very nature, buddies cannot fail, for they are never, never alone.

I have lived much of my life in the Sanctuary of Buddies. Blessedly. I plan to live the remainder of my life there. And if my residence there grants even one angel apprentice her official wings, so much the better.

Ottumwa High School Principal, Mark Hanson, at 2015 graduation

If I were to devote every waking minute for the remainder of my life to reading all of the books, listening to all of the audio tapes, and to watching all of the videos marketing leadership, most certainly, I would not live long enough. But then again, I don’t have to. In the Sanctuary of True Leadership, it is more than enough to live and work alongside a genuine leader. For the past five years, I have had this privilege in working with Mark Hanson, Principal of Ottumwa High School.

True educational leaders have little time to market themselves or their work. While others are consulting their publicists or editors, true leaders are rolling the large garbage cans around the cafeteria–during three lunches, mind you–to pick up student trash. They are standing at the door when students arrive, greeting each student by name; they are listening, always listening, to those who have questions, comments, concerns; they are leading cheers at student pep rallies and acknowledging teacher efforts during staff meetings; and they are humbly professing their own mistakes before those whom they lead.

When I first met Mark Hanson, I was working as a literacy specialist at the area educational agency. As I was presenting during a professional session one day, I spotted an unfamiliar administrator. The session finished, I approached a colleague and asked, Who is that guy? The one sitting in the middle table with some of the Ottumwa teachers? My colleague said, That’s Mark Hanson, the new principal of Ottumwa High School. Why do you ask? To which I responded, I just wanted to know the name of the best listener I’ve ever seen. 

Many leadership books and seminars peddle talk and actions, but few give more than lip service to listening. And this is where they get it so wrong: true leaders are true learners. To learn, really learn, they understand that, above all else, they must listen to other leaders and to those who will follow them. Mark Hanson is the type of listener who listens with every fiber in his being, eyes locked on the speaker, pen in hand, his upper body bent forward lest he miss one thought. For true educational leaders, the speaker may be a fellow administrator, a teacher, a custodian or cook, a student, or a parent. It matters not who the speaker is, but rather, what can be learned.

After 40 years in education, I’ve had my share of leaders, some better than others. In truth, most were so far removed from the real work of the classroom that they could only spout the latest educational theory or drop the name of the latest educational guru in response to my questions and concerns. As if merely mentioning Robert Marzano’s name would magically make the boys in my fifth period class write the argumentative essays that were due two weeks ago. As if thrusting a copy of Vygotsky’s work on the zone of proximal development would cure all of the challenging behaviors in my freshman English class. Years from the authentic work of the classroom, many educational leaders flounder in the face of real school with real issues and real students.

In an educational world in which many principals have taught but a few years, Mark Hanson’s 13 years of classroom teaching make him an anomaly. Yet, these are crucial years. The fact that they were spent teaching students to read and write makes them all the more crucial. I recall Mr. Hanson relating an anecdote from his classroom years. Having collected a group of student essays, he worked long into the night until he had graded all of them, so that he could return them the next day. As one who has prided herself on timely feedback, I must admit that this anecdote gave new–and impressive–meaning to timely. True educational leaders can draw upon their own classroom experience, which gives them much-needed credibility in this age of anyone-can-lead-with-proper-training. 

In the Sanctuary of True Leadership, leaders talk the talk and, more importantly, walk the walk. They understand that walking the walk requires constant soul-searching: Am I modeling the kind of words, acts, relationships I wish for others? What should I do differently and better? How could I be a solution to this problem? This kind of soul-searching is not simple reflection; rather, it is the down-and-dirty type of introspection which often raises more concern than it does self-satisfaction. In short, this is not for the faint of heart. Mark Hanson has demonstrated his continual willingness to ask the tough questions and to look, first and foremost, to himself before he looks elsewhere. I don’t think there are many chapters on soul-searching in most leadership manuals, but there should be.

In the Sanctuary of True Leadership, it is not nearly enough to be a good building manager. The task of management–although necessary–pales in comparison to the tougher work of creating and sustaining a culture in which all can safely learn. This culture is carved from crucial conversations with students, staff, and parents. It is nurtured through continuing conversations and teamwork. And it is sustained when all players buy into a vision of what a school could and should be. Mark Hanson has never been one to settle for a statement I’ve heard far too often in my 30 years in Ottumwa: You have to understand–this is just Ottumwa. 

No. Not just Ottumwa. This is Ottumwa: the Ottumwa we want to be, the Ottumwa we can be. In spite of the circumstances, the history, the naysayers, true leaders are missionaries. They forge into unknown territory, the vision always before them. And they lead with clarity, as well as a type of contagious passion that, like a snowball rolling downhill, builds mass as it moves. Over the past seven years, Mark Hanson has built critical mass. His passion for the vision of THE Ottumwa High School will be, perhaps, his most valuable legacy.

To say that Ottumwa High School will miss Mark Hanson is one of the grossest understatements I can imagine. He will be sorely missed–as a leader, as a colleague, as a visionary, as a change agent, as a friend and as a human being. When I think, however, of all those he has mentored during his lifetime, I take solace in the knowledge that there will be other leaders who will take up the mantle of true leadership. In the Sanctuary of True Leadership, there is certainly room for more members. Many, many more.

For Collyn and Marinne

Yesterday, Paul yelled from the front door, Hey come look at these purple flowers! I think your lilac bush is blooming! Lilacs? In mid-September? Nah.

But the picture above is visual proof of something quite unexpected: the lilacs are blooming amidst brown, curled-up leaves and the onset of fall. Honestly, for a moment we couldn’t trust our eyes, so Paul grabbed the branch, bent it towards us, and we sniffed. Sure enough, the sweet scent of lilacs confirmed what we thought we were seeing.

In the Sanctuary of the Unexpected, lilacs bloom in September. From afar, they tease you with a hint of violet. And then, upon approach, they shout Surprise! And you are–gloriously, gleefully–surprised. For who could imagine such an unexpected gift on a gray day?

As the mother of four–two adopted and two birth children–I have been schooled in the unexpected. The dry bones of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches shoved under beds and left to atrophy, the outfits-we-chose-on-our own (such medleys of colors and textures your eyes have never seen!), and the spontaneous and wholly unfiltered remarks: Where are his teeth? Why does she have blue hair? How can he walk with pants like that?

Indeed, when it comes to my children, I have been schooled and re-schooled in the unexpected. But there is another room in the Sanctuary of the Unexpected, a lovely, private room in which you stash away your children’s unexpected words, deeds, and sentiments, so that you may take them out on another day and experience the wonder all over again.

At age 19, my daughter, Marinne, committed to the Air Force. After months of deliberating, she made up her mind, contacted the recruiter, and began preparing for her new life. On the day she left for basic training, her father and I took her to meet the bus that would carry her from rural Iowa to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, Texas. Shouldering her gear, she hugged us, reminded us that she would have little contact with us for some time, and walked to the bus.

How did that 95 pound young woman walk with such resolve? From what deep well did she draw that strength? Who was this person? In the Sanctuary of the Unexpected, your daughter becomes a woman before your very eyes as she climbs the steps to a bus. And amidst your tears, you are astonished at the incredible life you have born and now release. Weeks later when she graduates, you enter that private room in the Sanctuary of the Unexpected and line the mantle with photographs of your daughter in uniform, standing resolute among fellow airmen. And when she goes on to carve a life for herself in Montana, hundreds of miles away from her home, you add photographs of her new family and home. Unexpected, but magnificent nonetheless.

The other evening, my daughter, Collyn, was sharing a story of one of her student’s responses to a writing assignment she had given. As she talked, I was taken aback at the words she was using to describe what had happened and how she had responded. In the Sanctuary of the Unexpected, you may be amazed at the power and beauty of genetic transfer. How did she think to assign this? From where did that sensitive, insightful response to student work come? And the sheer joy that oozed from each word and shone from her eyes? I heard my father’s words and felt his very presence as she spoke. From my father, the teacher, to his daughter, the teacher, to his granddaughter, the teacher, the transfer of word-love continues. In the Sanctuary of the Unexpected, these moments are treasure-worthy. In your private room, you record them in a leather-bound journal with handmade paper, for such moments deserve no less.

Perhaps the best thing about the Sanctuary of the Unexpected is that you simply cannot predict what will happen next. Just when you think you have stowed away enough treasures for a lifetime, someone or something shouts Surprise! And like the birthday girl who has flung open the door to her own surprise party, your jaw drops, you instantly lose your bearing, and you give yourself fully to the unexpected.

I admit that as a grandmother, I do really (REALLY) like the unexpected, unfiltered remarks from my grandchildren. Just yesterday, Gracyn asked me if I ever gave cowboy handshakes. Cowboy handshakes? I asked. Yes, you know the kind where you spit in your hand and then shake. I like to keep my salivas (plural) in my own mouth, don’t you? Smiling behind my eyes (only), I said, Yes, I like to keep my salivas in my own mouth, too. 

Still, I count my blessings when I can enter that private sanctuary where I have stored lovely unexpected words and deeds. My daughters, Marinne and Collyn, have given me so many of these. And I expect that in the ordinary days to follow, I will once again hear the words and see the acts that announce Surprise! The Sanctuary of the Unexpected is like this, and I invite you to enter. Daily.

    For Megan, Quinn, Laura and Ben                  

“Adopted.
Big Deal; so was Superman”
–Chris Crutcher, Whale Talk

The Sanctuary of Adoption boasts some famous figures: Superman, Moses, and hundreds of thousands of Cabbage Patch boys and girls. And then there are the adoptees of the REALLY special sort. Being the mother of two of these, I can testify to all that makes them special.

If the Sanctuary of Adoption is grace-filled, however, the infertility that frequently precedes it is not. Basal thermometers, ovulation charts, painstakingly plotted months that look more like a child’s drawing of the Sawtooth Mountains than ovulation’s slow curve-small dip-then spike pattern.  Agonizing hours in doctors’ waiting rooms surrounded by pregnant women–some who, regrettably, whine to anyone who will listen: I just don’t know what I’m going to do with another one . . . Just when I thought I would have some time to myself . . .  And even more agonizing moments during which you bite your tongue, lest you offer to mother these babies.

In his poem, “Elegy for a Still-Born Child”, Seamus Heaney writes:

Birth of death, exhumation for burial,

A wreath of small clothes, a memorial pram,                                                                 And parents reaching for a phantom limb.  

Infertility is surely a still-born place. Dreams live only to die, and day after day, you reach for the phantom limb of the son or daughter whose ethereal shape shimmers briefly, then vanishes into the shadows.

After suffering through years of infertility, adoption threw my husband and me a life-line: the prospect of parenthood. It was this prospect that buoyed us through months of home studies, paperwork, and waiting. Although cautiously optimistic, our caseworkers ended most conversations with gentle warnings: I don’t need to remind you that this can all fall through. Still, our hope was stronger than our fear.  In hope, we measured our days with preparations: assembling the crib, buying blankets, sleepers, bottles, and diapers. In hope, we prepared as if, one day, we would bring home a son or daughter to fill our empty cradle and arms.

Miles away in other homes, two mothers gave birth–one to a daughter and one to a son. In sacrificial love, these birth mothers and fathers offered up their babies so that we might parent. And humbly, gratefully, joyously, we accepted the gifts of their love and labor.

Tragically, we live in a world in which adoption has often been silenced or criticized. How could she give her baby away? Poor kid, how can he survive not knowing who his real mother and father are? With all the government aid available, why didn’t she keep her baby? In forty years of teaching–and countless pregnant students–I have only had one young woman who chose adoption. Ridiculed and misunderstood by her peers, she stayed the course, choosing a life she believed best for her child. Her selfless choice was a gift to her son and to his adoptive parents who, like us, were wholly at the mercy of a loving birth mother and father.

In a poem my father wrote for my niece, Aanya, he writes:

In the fury of this world                                                                                                       there is no stronger verb

than love. It is the root                                                                                                               which lives through drought.

Aanya, my small noun,                                                                                                                 may you find it out. 

Adoption is a strong verb of love. It is, indeed, the root through which drought lives. This root penetrated the dry ground of our childlessness and brought forth life. And love, much love.

And our children, small nouns in the fury of this world have been beneficiaries of a love stronger than circumstance or genes. They are loved by birth and adoptive parents whose roots entwine in a family braid that spans miles and years. Our wish for them? That they find it out, that they return again and again to this root, and that they find strength in the strongest verb of all: love.

In truth, the Sanctuary of Adoption is a universal and inclusive one. It matters not whether we having living or loving mothers and fathers, for we have been chosen, predestined as children of God. In Ephesians 1:4-6, we read:

For He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless in His presence. In love He predestined us for adoption as His sons through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the Beloved One.

As a writing teacher, I have read too many painful student narratives of neglect, abandonment or rejection. As words of loss spill out upon the page, I have shared the orphan’s plight. Without a living or loving parent, the orphan cowers or rails against the fury of this world. With no one to model the strong verb of love, the orphan seeks a weaker version, often in all the wrong places and from all the wrong sources.

In the Sanctuary of Adoption, though, all are loved and claimed by the Father: the orphan, the childless, the broken and hopeless, the seeking and yearning, the faithful and faithless.

My wish for all who have yet to enter the Sanctuary of Adoption? May you find it out. It is only a prayer away.

Disclaimer to family and friends who may be alarmed enough to call me: Don’t call. I have learned my lesson. Enough said.

The other day I set my alarm for 5:30, so I could walk early. As I left the house and the crescent of light that spread from the light pole in our yard, I realized that it was dark. Really, really dark. Can’t-see-your-feet-or-where-your- feet-are-going kind of dark.

But the sun will be coming up soon. If I can just make it for a half mile or so, I’ll be good. But a half mile in, there was no sign of the sun, and I had drifted off the road several times, shuffling through the dew-drenched grass until I found my way back to pavement.

And then I heard a crashing sound in the field to my right. A deer? Something more predatory?  It was then that I started clapping maniacally as I walked, hoping that whatever was out there would take notice: Hey, I am walking here. And I’m handicapped because, unlike you, I have no night vision. Can you give a sister a break?

In the distance, a glow of headlights cheered me. But as the truck approached, I realized that, ironically, I was more handicapped than when I was in the dark. Blinded by the light, momentarily I had absolutely no idea where I was or in what direction I was moving. As the truck passed me, I also felt the sting of humiliation. That guy probably thinks I’m an idiot (which I am) to be out here in the dark without reflective gear or a head lamp. I really hope that I don’t know him or her. 

Then a jewel of light appeared in front of me: a light pole at the entrance of a gravel driveway. Confidently, I steered my course towards the light. And then, once there, I spotted another light in the distance and found my old walking rhythm as it drew me on.

In the sanctuary of light, you may be blessed with the smallest points of light, which like a luminary compass, show you the way. In her poem,   “Insomniac,” Sylvia Plath writes:

The night sky is only a sort of carbon paper,
Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars
Letting in the light, peephole after peephole—

Letting in the light, peephole after peephole. At times, we may find ourselves slogging our way through the dark night, our eyes desperately searching the blueblack before us for one small peephole, some pin prick in the all-consuming absence of light. Often a single peephole is enough to sustain us. How far that little candle throws its beams! [William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice].

For much of my life, when two roads diverged in the woods, I took the path of the tangible light poles, forsaking the spiritual ones. I marched–and sometimes crawled–onward towards people, places, and positions that, I believed, were the truest lights. In these people, places, and positions, I believed I would find all that I was looking for: comfort, affirmation, and wisdom. When my marching song should have been Onward, Christian Soldier, it was actually more a weak version of Carry On, My Wayward Son. 

Until I moved towards a light that was, in the end, no light at all. Plunged into darkness, there was little comfort to be found in people, places, or positions. Broken and in the absence of tangible light, I finally turned to God.

Finally–such a woeful, pathetic word. Even as I write, I am acutely aware of how cliched and time-worn my story is. False lights glitter all too brightly, their promises all too familiar. Like the children of Israel, I had accumulated years of idols. I had filled the shelves of my life with false gold and artificial light.

Broken–such a necessary, life-saving word in the sanctuary of light. In Matthew 16: 24-26, we read:

Then Jesus told His disciples, If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Paradoxically, the sanctuary of light requires losing yourself, your life, and your former lights. Aristotle claimed that nature abhors a vacuum. Clearly, Jesus would agree. In the absence of false light, in the vacuum created by loss, true and living light abounds. The dark night of the soul need not last forever. If one will but seek the source of the real light.

In his letters, J. R. R. Tolkien writes:

I perceived or thought of the Light of God and in it suspended one small mote (or millions of motes to only one of which was my small mind directed), glittering white because of the individual ray from the Light which both held and lit it…And the ray was the Guardian Angel of the mote: not a thing interposed between God and the creature, but God’s very attention itself, personalized…This is a finite parallel to the Infinite. As the love of the Father and Son (who are infinite and equal) is a Person, so the love and attention of the Light to the Mote is a person (that is both with us and in Heaven): finite but divine, i.e. angelic.

The splendor of the sanctuary of light is revealed in Tolkien’s description of Jesus as the Light and of each of us as one small mote to which all love and attention is directed. If losing my life ensures that I may be this one small mote, then today, I will once again lose my life. For this losing is a daily, willful act. And this is good news for those like me, who, in spite of best intentions, in spite of past experience, and in spite of wisdom, find themselves veering weakly towards false lights.

I don’t plan to walk again in utter darkness–down the old highway or through the remainder of my life–without a headlamp and Jesus. Both are necessary; both are life-saving.

One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do                                                           Harry Nilsson, One, 1968

I remember lying awake during my middle and high school years, surrounded by my sleeping family yet utterly alone. In the middle of the night, I let my teenage angst suck me into a dark and solitary insomnia. Certainly no one but me has ever worried so well. Certainly no one but me has ever said, done, or thought such regrettable things. Oh, one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do!

Those who enter the sanctuary of solitary understand, far too well, what it means to face the music. Stripped of pretenses and without backup, they enter the back alleys and abandoned buildings of those sketchier, less traveled regions of the soul. Foolish at times, courageous at others, they stand alone. For better or for worse.

There is something tragically solitary about an individual eating alone in a restaurant. While others are thick in conversation and fellowship, he or she eats in silence. I realize that one is always connected in this era of smart phones. Still, however compelling digital connections may be, they pale in comparison to personal connections. An emoji smile packs one millionth of the brilliance that a real one does.

Although solitary may wear the drab cloak of angst and loneliness, it may also burst onto the scene–unexpectedly, magnificently, all sequins and shine. Look at me, it announces. Just look at me. 

Walking along the old highway today, my eyes swept the roadside, now mostly green and bronze as summer gives way to autumn. Until I spotted a small patch of wild chicory. The recent rain offered one last periwinkle blooming. In the middle of this blue, however, was a solitary white blossom. A white chicory in all its solitary glory! Look at me, just look at me. 

There is an intimacy in the sanctuary of solitary that pulls you decisively in, inquiring: Has anyone else seen this? Are you the first, the last, the only to witness this? And as the unlikely, yet fortunate, witness to this solitary enigma, you revel in its oneness.

Because solitary is often by design. Seeing the white chicory blossom, I could not help but recall Robert Frost’s poem, “Design”:

 I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,

On a white heal-all, holding up a moth

Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth–

Assorted characters of death and blight

Mixed ready to begin the morning right,

Like the ingredients of a witches’ broth–

A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,

And dead wings carried like a paper kite.

What had that flower to do with being white,

The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?

What brought the kindred spider to that height,

Then steered the white moth thither in the night?

What but design of darkness to appall?–

If design govern in a thing so small.

What had that flower to do with being white? The Designer does, indeed, govern in things so small. And this governance may provoke both darkness and delight. Yet even if something is terribly, darkly solitary, a dimpled spider, fat and white, it is something to behold.

In Walden, Henry David Thoreau writes, I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. He continues to expound upon solitude in his journal (February 8, 1857):

You think that I am impoverishing myself withdrawing from men, but in my solitude I have woven for myself a silken web or chrysalis, and nymph-like, shall ere long burst forth a more perfect creature, fitted for a higher society.

The sanctuary of solitary may be exactly as Thoreau describes: a silken web or chrysalis from which those who give themselves to solitude may ultimately burst forth a more perfect creature[s]. Like Thoreau, I have rarely felt impoverished in solitude. Rather, I emerge from it better fitted for a higher society.

The unique nature of solitary couples with the solo nature of solitude, and this is–quite literally–a marriage made in heaven: a sanctuary whose intimacy offers soul-searching, wonder-witnessing, and general people-perfecting.

In his book, The Eternal Now, theologian Paul Tillich writes:

Our language has widely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.

In the sanctuary of solitary, One is not always the loneliest number; it just may be the most glorious number.

Sky-blue-pink, my granddad said as we looked at the sky. That’s what I call it. We stood at the edge of a sandpit, ready for a morning of fishing. Or rock-skipping, frog-scaring, and snail-hunting, for which my sisters and I were much better suited. In the sanctuary of sky-blue-pink, however, you can cast twenty times, lose twenty crawdads, and your granddad still smiles and baits your hook again.

At dawn, the night dissolves into a mottled mixture of lavender and gray at the tree line, and then lightens into ribbons of rose and cerulean. This is the sanctuary of sky-blue-pink. It brings with it promise. Promise of a new day, new challenges and risks, new gifts and blessings.

As I walk at dawn, there are moments during which I feel suspended in time, the day momentarily delayed, and the sanctuary of sky-blue-pink envelops me. It takes me back to pre-dawn moments, an empty bottle on the end table beside me and the colors of dawn sliding through the window before me. Having risen in the dark for an early feeding, I hold my babies snuggly against my chest, their pink baby hands, curled like sleeping snails and nestled in the hollows beneath my shoulder blades. When you hold a sleeping baby, time stands still. There is nothing else you can do but give into the rhythmic breath of sleep, and there is nowhere else you would rather be.

I remember this sky-blue-pink feeling wash utterly through me. And I recall fearing that I may, someday, forget these moments and how these pigments of love’s colors are particularly lovely when your arms are wrapped around a baby at daybreak.

The sanctuary of sky-blue-pink is a watercolor sanctuary. Oils and acrylic paints, in all their opaqueness, have no place here. This is a place for fluid sweeps that saturate the sky and then run into the horizon leaving translucent pools of new color, one hue dissolving into another and then another. This is a place where less is more.

In her poem, “One or Two Things,” Mary Oliver writes:

For years and years I struggled                                                                                             just to love my life. And then

the butterfly                                                                                                                                     rose, weightless, in the wind.

“Don’t love your life                                                                                                                   too much,” it said,

and vanished                                                                                                                             into the world.

Mary Oliver understands the weightless nature of the sanctuary of sky-blue-pink, how it cannot be held or bound, how you cannot love it too much. Less is more. You love it for its brevity and beauty. You love it when it vanishes and even more when it returns.

My granddad was not really a man of words, and yet he got it so right with sky-blue-pink. Fifty some years later, this sanctuary is just as good as it was when I was dipping my hand into the crawdad bucket, the promise of a morning at the water’s edge, and the Nebraska sky awash with sky-blue-pink.

for Griffin

Yesterday was a first: Gracyn passed on coming over to my house. She passed–politely but decisively! She was packing her bag for a sleepover with her cousin and had her sites fixed firmly on this upcoming event.

But not to worry: in my sanctuary of double-delight, there’s Griffin, age three, who never passes. Because coming to my house is tantamount to visiting Disney Land. Because coming to my house involves creating a motor village that stretches the length and width of the dining room. Because coming to my house involves Tootsie Pops that you can throw away after two licks if you find you don’t really fancy that flavor today. Because coming to my house involves sacred one-on-one time that grandmas who have retired from teaching can freely give.

I have to admit that when Griff wanted to play doll house with the Fisher Price and Dora the Explorer families, I thought, Well, o.k., this is familiar territory. Gracyn and I have had a countless rounds of doll house narratives. I’m good to go. Only I was not. Not really, that is. When Griff picked up Dora’s magic mirror and proceeded to use it as a laser gun to pick off Dora’s grandma (why does the grandma have to go first???) and several of the girls, I knew I was going to have to get with the new story, or all of my people would be summarily wiped out.

I tried a climatic turn: Let’s say the naughty guy with the laser gun is really our friend. . . One more girl got zapped. I mean, he’s really not a bad guy–just a lonely guy. . . The father got zapped, then zapped again to make sure he was truly down. In a desperate attempt to turn the story, I tried again: Hey, do you want to come to our picnic? Zap, zap, zap. At this point, I’m out of people, and the only guy standing is the one with the magic mirror-turned laser.

Quickly I determined that the sanctuary of double-delight would require a new perspective, a definitely more male perspective. We turned to trains, trucks and cars, and the result: crashes, spectacular crashes with even more spectacular sound effects. Which Griffin has perfected after hours of play. The boy can make a motor sound, lips perpetually buzzing, for up to thirty minutes without taking a breath, I swear!

Read books, Nanny? Griffin opened the book cabinet and brought a handful of his favorites to the couch. Hallelujah, I know how to do this. And it’s a resting activity (vs. the aerobic doll house/motor vehicle activities)!  In the sanctuary of double-delight, you must be prepared for new perspectives and new play-taking risks. But, blessedly, you must also be prepared for the same all-encompassing joy to spread through you when your grandson presses himself against your side, his small hand resting on your forearm, guiding you as you turn the pages, his breathing slower now as his eyes take in each object on each page. Then he says, Oh no! He’s sad, Nanny. The dog wants to go with them. And you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in spite of his recent three-year male bravado, he shares his sister’s sensitivity and keen insights. Griffin sees with his eyes and with his heart.

Double-delight, via Griffin, comes with laughter of the Glorious (capital G) sort.

Griff can go from contemplative to raucous, belly-shaking, contagious laughter in a split second. The boy can really laugh. In the sanctuary of double-delight, laughter of this magnitude is always welcome.

And just in case you need more than visual proof, check out this video of Griffin in the throes of laughter. Viewer discretion advised: Be prepared to split a gut–or at least crack a big smile.

https://www.facebook.com/100005494067014/videos/vb.100005494067014/390420977817701/?type=2

And genuine double-delight? When your granddaughter cannot help but join in, laughing at her brother and validating a moment of simple joy.

Just when you think you cannot take any more delight, Griff walks into our house, announces I’m here, Nanny! sits on the bottom step to take off his shoes, and marches right to the candy bowl to pluck a handful of Tootsie Rolls, and plops himself on the couch. I look outside to see his motorized John Deere tractor parked by the front porch.

Griff, does your mommy know you’re here? Chewing, chocolate oozing from the corners of his mouth, he bares his brown teeth and says, I really love you, Nanny. In the sanctuary of double-delight, verbal deflection of this kind is not only excusable, it is encouraged.

Because I plan to be a life-time member of this sanctuary, I can see that I’m going to have to do all that’s in my power to literally keep up with Griffin. I have a plan, though: the next time we play doll house, I’m calling dibs on the magic mirror/laser gun.

Watch out, Griff–you have met your match!

For fellow make-believers extraordinaire: Susan and Beth

First of all, let me set the record straight: the sanctuary of make-believe is not an exclusive one. Children of all ages, sizes and shapes may enter. This is great news for a 61 year-old child who has a life-time membership to this sanctuary. Great news, indeed.

From my earliest memories, I was a make-believer. Give me a Barbie, a stuffed animal–heck, give me a stick or rock–and I will find its story. My sisters and I propped up an old wooden crate by the fence at the side of our yard, attached a piece of rope for reins, and christened it Jumbo, the elephant. We had just seen The Greatest Show on Earth,  and my dad had graciously gifted us with an old pigeon crate. For days, we our rode that thing until we moved on to a new story. Imagine the looks of college students passing by on their way to class as three girls frantically whipped the side of the crate with sticks, yelling, Go Jumbo, Go!

In high school, I carried the sanctuary of make-believe with me, initiating willing friends (you know who you are). We dared each other to take our world into the real world. Having located several yards with an abundance of lawn ornaments, we sent willing make-believers–one at a time, mind you–into these yards to talk to and to pet plaster deer, burros, and dogs. Waiting in the get-away car, we howled as motorists and neighbors looked on, some in confusion and others in delight. The night we found a yard with Snow White and all of the Seven Dwarfs? The gates to the sanctuary of make-believe opened with fireworks and trumpet fanfare!

The sanctuary of make-believe can be a solitary venture, but I’m hear to confess that it is best when shared. My make-believe venture into the world of Olympic curling has been shared, and re-shared with students, family, friends, and colleagues. In short, this story has legs! Just when it appears to be waning, a fellow make-believer will shock it into life again, propelling it to the foreground.

Just this morning when I was sweeping my kitchen (wait for the irony of this action), I heard my phone ping and saw that I had been tagged in a Facebook post. I dumped my dustpan in the garbage and went to check this out. When I read the post, I realized that I had hit paydirt: my curling story, once only a solitary figment of my imagination, had gone viral! Well, maybe not viral–exaggeration is actually permissible and encouraged in the sanctuary of make-believe–but it made the internet. For proof of this, check out the following link (if you, too, are willing to enter this make-believe sanctuary):

http://ecjanzen7.wixsite.com/mysite/single-post/2016/09/02/From-Teaching-to-The-Olympics

The fellow make-believers who shocked this story into life again had also sent me a letter last spring, weeks before I retired, delivered by the high school principal himself. In this letter, with an official-looking American Curling Federation logo, I learned that I finally had been accepted to the Olympic Curling Team and would be preparing for the 2018 Seoul Olympics. As I read the letter aloud to my students, most looked on with mild amusement. If I had had time to train them better, I could have worked them into genuine amusement, maybe even outright laughter. But alas, I retired.

Because my friends had breathed new life into the curling story, I rushed to Walmart to buy a t-shirt, stencils and puff paint. That evening, I recreated the logo from my curling letter, and made myself an official-looking training shirt. The next day, I wore it to school. When I made my way to the classrooms of my fellow make-believers, I was stopped by others who asked about my shirt. Oh this? I said. This is proof that I am officially training for the Seoul Olympics as a U.S. Curler. It’s legit. They’re calling me up.

And when I finally approached my fellow make-believers? They gasped, they oohed and aahed, they offered congratulations for a life-long dream now realized. They offered support, insisted that I would have a large home fan-base, and pledged to pass on the great news. They played along. And in the sanctuary of make-believe, it just does not get much better than this.

So here’s to the sanctuary of make-believe! May it live long, and its players live well! For those who are willing to enter, it offers treasures of inestimable worth and cheap, but wholesome, entertainment.

Looking ahead, I’m hoping for a significant fan-base as I prepare for my Olympic debut. If you can help me out, my curling trainers and I would really appreciate it.

Oh, and I’m looking for some gently-used teflon-soled curling shoes. If any of you happen to have a pair that you’re no longer using, message me: I will pay top dollar.